deviant art

Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
[x]
Download File
HTML, 2.3 KB
more ▶

More from ~livingcomforteagle

Featured in Groups:

Details

March 12, 2008
2.3 KB
Thumb

Statistics

Comments: 38
Favourites: 11 [who?]

Views: 450 (0 today)
Downloads: 3 (0 today)
[x]
"you shut the hell up,"
she watches out the window, curious.

boys with colored sweat mold their fists
into slabs of ocean, beating on a boy with
straw-colored skin. she figures she knows
his parents—the brown-eyed, doe woman
who is probably abused and the husband
with the dark, thick hands.

she watches as his freckles are doused
in blood, a thick goopy wine-color while
their hands attempt to break skin, to
break this town.

the window is spattered with the remains
of insects and she watches them converge,
all at once, into a semi-circle around his
oval body, disjointed and married to the
ground. she hears tennis shoes and a
scream and she watches his hands turn
into a sun, splaying out five-fingered,
before wilting. not a sun, but a sunflower,
covered in blood like bees, the sweetest
flower alive.

she does not stop to see if his bone pops
out. she does not watch the sloppy saliva
escape their mouths with fervor. she lets
the blinds down when the boys leave on
broken-bottle skateboards, and the boy
twists into a fetal position, calling out
softly about the sky and birds and his
mother's soft, removing hands.

she can't glance at the phone; she can't
imagine calling his parents, "your son,
he's on the ground, a stew of blood that
may or may not be his, your fifteen-year-
old son with the arm that was cracked
all along like a fracture line, laying in
the middle of the road, calling for you."
she can't imagine their bodies, running,
falling in step next to him, clasping their
hands towards god and asking for a relief,
for a miracle.

her kids sit in the corner, at the kitchen
table, dressing a barbie in pastel colors
and turning papers into rainbows. they
are in their school uniforms, dappled and
sunny, hushed and giggly. the light peering
through the window brushes back their skin
like a father would, gently.

"mama?"
she turns her head, afraid.
:iconlivingcomforteagle:
life burns up faster than flames to a photograph
a big stack of mishaps and so much time spent feeling bad
despite all the beauty that drips right off a loved one's lips
a childlike reaction that starts and stops with selfishness


today after school my dad had to go to the UPS store, and i was standing there while dad was filling out all these standard forms and this blond lady rushed in with two kids, who immediately went to the corner and started to color. and she kept gushing about this crowd of boys across the street who were in some kind of gang fight, and she couldn't stop talking and sputtering and she looked so harried, and she kept saying "i didn't know what to do so i just--i just drove right through them, why did my kids have to be right there, i mean where do they get off?" and after her tirade was finished they started to shout "mommy mommy we colored in the kitty from ice age!"

word count: 332
listening to: forever and a day - her space holiday
(c) LeeAnn - 2008
Add a Comment:
 
:icontorby-adk:
Good job on this one. The event may have been real, but you organized the facts, and brought it home with selected images and language.
Reply
:iconparadoxicalshaman:
wow wow... great attention to details, the vivid sense of the environment (literal and emotional) is clearly evident. strong writing - i particularly like the attention to colors (as people have pointed out).

just a couple things - "your son, he's on the ground," -- i love the implied dialogue (as.. monologue?..anyway)
but it's such a provocative thing for the mother to imagine saying, and it feels like the turn in the poem, what about making it more immediate? "your son is on the ground"... eh, just a small thing.

also the first stanza --
"boys with colored sweat mold their fists into slabs of ocean, beating on a boy with straw-colored skin."
-- lovely writing, so elegant. but i got lost in how specific your description was, maybe because of the metaphors, that the image was actually lost on me at first. but i'm hesitant to tell you to change this line, cause its so beautiful -- perhaps giving us first a more literal line, so we can see and know instantly what is going on (that a boy is getting beat up) and then dive into the colors and metaphor?

k, i've written way too much now, shutting up :p
lovely poem:)
Reply
:iconlivingcomforteagle:
i went with "your son, he's on the ground," to make her language seem more broke-up--panicked, you know? but i get what you're saying.

thank you so much for the lovely comment! :)
Reply
:iconbblk:
This poem is really strong. Sad story. But I like how you turned what you heard and saw into a poem like this. It's really amazing. :heart:
Reply
:iconlivingcomforteagle:
very sad. but thank you.
Reply
:iconrchelsea2005:
~rchelsea2005 Mar 19, 2008  Hobbyist Writer
I don't think I could possible love this any more.

"mama?"
she turns her head, afraid. "

Like damn. Wow.
Reply
:iconbark:
=Bark Mar 16, 2008   Writer
you have enough real writers to critique the actual work... to me, it's just amazing. every line is as vivid as seeing it on a television screen. too much truth to be enjoyable, but the message is important. the problem is, where are all the artists when something happens? feeling, but not doing... the world collapses, and we quietly document it...
Reply
Add a Comment: