ACT ONE

Theseus: Hippolyta! You are fairer than all the poetry Shakespeare ever wrote! I… can’t even describe it! I mean, your stupid Amazon peoples were no match for me! Good thing we’re getting married tomorrow. I just can’t wait! Not like your people waited while I slaughtered them!

Hippolyta: [quietly]I hate you. [louder]I can wait!

Theseus: What was that, Hippolyta?

Hippolyta: Just a bit of a cold, you know how us Amazons get…

Theseus: Did I mention how I killed your stupid, bloody, violent, retarded, primitive, ugly peoples?

Hippolyta: Yes, yes, I think you did.

Egeus [entering]: So, Theseus, is it really murder if you kill your daughter in the name of the law? I mean, I don’t want a guilty conscience when it’s over, and everything.

Theseus: Of course it is – wait, did you say in the name of the law?

Egeus: Yes, I believe I did.

Theseus: Oh, it’s okay then.

Hermia [entering]: Murderer! Scoundrel! Wretched beast of a father! Scum! Vile! You bloodthirsty dirt!

Lysander [entering]: Lysander!

[Demetrius enters, silently.]

Theseus: What seems to be the problem?

Hippolyta: [quietly]You.

Theseus: What was that, my sweet Amazon princess?

Hippolyta: That darned cold!

Egeus: My daughter is being stupid and I want her dead. Or a nun, or I don’t know, a squirrel. Just get rid of her.

Theseus [to Hermia]: Haha, he called you stupid.

Egeus: You see these two boys here? Stand forward, Demetrius. Theseus, this man is a wonderful delightful person – I heard he even won Miss Congeniality three times in a row!

Theseus: Isn’t that for women –

Egeus [coughing]: As I was saying! This other man, this is Lysander.

Lysander: Yellow!

Theseus: That’s a… color…

Hermia: He means hello, don’t you, my lovely loveliest lover love love love love?

Lysander: Haha, you said love like, three times. Ahahaha.

Hermia: OH, HE’S SO FUNNY!

Egeus: Lysander is stupid. I want Hermia to marry Demetrius. She won’t. I want her dead.

Hippolyta: Well, personally I think Hermia needs to realize her deep inner turmoil and resolve the issue through her own means, while having a few misadventures on the side involving fairies and her lifelong best friend Helena, sorting through her deep emotional trauma until she realizes who she really loves and needs to be with.

[Silent.]

Theseus [distracted]: So… uh, what seems to be the problem here?

Egeus: She won’t die! Er, I mean – she won’t marry!

Hermia: STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE! BEFORE YOU BREAK MY HEART!

Theseus: THINK IT O-O-OVER!

Lysander [echoing]: THINK IT O-O-OVER!

Demetrius [also echoing]: THINK IT O-O- Hey, wait, stop thinking! Marry me.

Lysander: Hey, wait -

Demetrius: Shhh, don’t listen to him. Marry me. Do it.

Lysander [giggling]: You’re so cute when you’re angry, Demetrius.

Hermia: Future wife. Lover. Standing. Right. Here.

Lysander [turns around to Hermia]: What?

Theseus: Yes, yes, um, Egeus, Demetrius, come with me, I want to talk to you and… stuff.

Demetrius: Talking is for losers.

Theseus: You boys like… baseball?

Egeus: I love baseball!

Theseus: Come with me.

[They exit.]

Lysander: This place isn’t chill anymore, Hermia.

Hermia: Oh, Lysander! My love, my deepest of love, I want you by my side forever!

Lysander: Etc. Oh, Hermia, I have an aunt’s house that lives just outside of Athens, which means outside of Athens’s law! There we can elope, and be with each other forever, and carve our names in trees and kiss and braid each other’s hair and sing karaoke and smoke and do what married people do!

Hermia: [pause]…I’m sorry, what?

Lysander: Were you dreaming of Leonardo DiCaprio again?

Hermia: Um… sort of?

Lysander: Run away with me and we can get married.

Hermia: Sounds good!

[Helena enters.]

Helena: OH WOE IS ME, OH WOE IS ME! DEMETRIUS DOESN’T LOVE ME, MY LIFE IS PAIN, NOBODY KNOWS THE DARKNESS INSIDE THAT CONSUMES MY LIFE! I HAVE THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE CONSTANTLY! PITY ME, PEOPLE!

[Pause. Lysander and Hermia don’t see Helena.]

Lysander [looking over]: Oh, hey, Helena. When’d you get here?

Hermia: Oh, Helena! Where have you been lately?

Helena: Residing in my deep inner tortured soul that can only come out in my diary.

Hermia: Yeah whatever, okay, so me and Lysander are going off to elope! Isn’t it exciting?

Helena: Well, I think –

Hermia: Yes, I’m sure you do. Come, Lysander! Let us make the plans!

[Hermia exits.]

Lysander [following]: Pssst, Helena.

Helena: What?

Lysander: Tell Demetrius!

Helena: …What?

Lysander: Tell Demetrius! Then he’ll come after us!

Helena: You… want me to?

Lysander: I miss him, things are so boring without his beautiful shining face. UH, I MEAN, UM, I WANT TO MOVE THE PLOT ALONG. Yes, that’s it. …Plot.

Helena: Oh, okay then.

[Lysander exits.]